


Losing Myself In You

by Lady_Darkness



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, M/M, PWP with feels, Post-Episode: s03e13 The Wrath of the Lamb, Rated E but really tame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-20 22:45:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14903579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Darkness/pseuds/Lady_Darkness
Summary: Will finds his way after the fall. He figures things out.





	Losing Myself In You

The boat made gentle rocking motions that had kept Will awake for well over two hours now. He’d left his bed to sit up on deck, but not even the peaceful calm and darkness of the sea at two am could stop his mind from slipping away from him. What had he done? Why had he survived this?

He remembered planning the whole course of action, convicted Hannibal had to perish with the Red Dragon, the man who had killed all of those perfect families, almost including Will’s own. Only Molly’s bravery and cunning had saved mother and son from the same fate the other victims had suffered. Molly had gotten them both to safety without Will’s help, and even though they had survived the attack, Will had known he’d lost them from the second he arrived in Molly’s hospital room. She had been the way she was before, caring and loving, but he had been changed irrevocably. He had already gone dark, planning to kill both the attacker and looking for a way to get rid of Hannibal Lecter too. He had keenly felt his own distaste at subjecting Molly to this part of him, the part he was sure would take over after all was done. And then there had been Wally asking if he was going to kill the guy who had done this, and practically giving his consent to do what he had felt was needed to save their lives.

He was going to lure him in, and take Hannibal with him. He hadn’t known how it would unfurl, but in the end he would be rid of the two pests that made his life unbearable and he could probably retreat somewhere in the mountains or on the beach to spend the rest of his life alone with a dog or two. He hadn’t planned on coming back himself either, whether he would be killed or he would just disappear from everyone’s lives.

Well, that had gone well, he thought, sitting alone on deck in the middle of the night. At least he was gone, he could no longer destroy Molly and Wally’s life. He had survived their swan dive in the Atlantic, much to his initial dismay, but Chiyoh had been the knight to swoop in and save the two damsels in distress and she hadn’t given Will the opportunity to finish what he had started before the fall. 

Even though the boat was small, she had succeeded in keeping him and Hannibal separated since she had pulled them both on board, Will barely conscious and Hannibal seemingly lifeless. He hadn’t even known the other man was still alive before the fifth morning he’d spent on the boat, eating the fluid foods Chiyoh provided for him. His jaw still caused him immense pain when he tried to open his mouth further than half an inch, so he had usually kept quiet and only communicated with grunts and short gestures, but he couldn’t help his lips falling open at the sight of Hannibal moving around the boat. A small sound of pain had escaped his mouth, immediately attracting the other man’s attention. Hannibal had looked straight at him, but he hadn’t made a move to come closer, he’d just continued his way downstairs, to the only other room on the small boat. Will had followed him and knocked on the door, but had been met with total silence. Taking this as a hint, he hadn’t made any attempts at finding or contacting his former friend and mortal enemy and he had just focused on recovering from his own injuries.

Chiyoh had acted even colder towards him after he’d attempted to seek out Hannibal. He knew he didn’t have to expect any help from her. She would just as well throw him overboard, but he suspected Hannibal had forbidden her from harming him. He couldn’t blame her. After all he had tried to kill Hannibal countless times, in person or by proxy and then he had made a killer out of her as well. Those acts were reason enough for her to hate his guts, so he bore her silent scorn with a grimace and didn’t say anything as long as she didn’t physically harm him when she took care of his injuries. Her touches had been cold and clinical from the start, but she never hurt him more than was necessary for the treatment. 

Tonight he felt agitated. It had been close to five weeks since they had arrived on the boat, both grievously wounded and on the brink of death. He’d made a swift recovery from his stab wounds, aided by Chiyoh’s medical skills as well as the exercises she made him do every day to regain mobility in his shoulder after being immobilized for a while after the fall. He stood up and paced the small surface, his feet hurting after only a quarter of an hour because he hadn’t stood up for longer than a few minutes in weeks. He sat back down at the railing, watching the vastness of the ocean and enjoying the breeze caressing his face. If he kept his eyes closed, he could smell the salty water even better. Finally, he felt able to breathe again. Perhaps he could ask Chiyoh whether she had stocked fishing gear. He could fish, like he had on his first trip crossing the Atlantic, and then offer the catch to Chiyoh or Hannibal to turn into a meal. He was so lost in thoughts of the three of them sharing a meal in painful silence he didn’t hear the other set of footsteps reaching him.

“Hello Will,” Hannibal said quietly.

The sound of his voice made Will almost jump out of his skin. He turned his head and there he was, as well dressed as one could be under these circumstances. He wore a pair of dark slacks with a loose white shirt that seemed to be a few sizes too big, but it may have been down to his imprisonment and his subsequent recovery of his gunshot wound. Hannibal had lost weight during his time in the BSHCI. Will had noticed it immediately the first time he’d come to see him, but his outfit tonight made it painfully obvious. His hair was longer than it had been in the cliff house, and it was perfectly combed back with the aid of some product, like it had been when they still had their weekly ‘conversations’ that had soon turned to a deep friendship, or so Will had thought. He still didn’t want to think about that time in his life. The only thing Hannibal had changed about his look was the beard. When Will had seen him a few weeks earlier, he’d had an unshaven look, but Will had put it down to his being still recovering and unable to shave. Now his beard was glorious, ash blonde with a few streaks of grey and white right on his chin. It was immaculate and it gave Hannibal a different look from what he had been used to. Will stared at it for a few seconds before he realized he was being terribly rude.

“Hello Dr Lecter,” he said politely, not wanting to give away the inner turmoil he still found himself in every time he allowed himself to think about Hannibal. His feelings for the doctor had been conflicted since day one, since he had met him in Jack’s office. He’d gone from seeing him as an unwelcome intrusion in his life to a trusted friend and then to a mortal enemy after he had uncovered his secret. In the time they had spent together, leading up to that catastrophic night back in Baltimore, he had learned to distinguish the real Hannibal Lecter from the person he chose to present to the outside world. It was his unfortunate attraction to that person that had cost him a lot, too much to even consider resuming their relationship where they had left off all those years ago. One look at Hannibal was enough to remind him of the paradox that were his feelings for the other man. After hearing Bedelia confirm Hannibal was in love with him, he hadn’t been able to get those words out of his head. He had hoped to never have to address them again, but since his plan to take them both out hadn’t worked, he felt he had no choice. He needed to make a decision, and he had a feeling he’d need to do it quickly, or Hannibal would decide for him.

“I regret not having been able to tend to your injuries, Will, but as you can imagine, I was quite indisposed because of my own injuries.”, Hannibal started, but his mind seemed to wander off as he looked at Will staring in the distance. He didn’t come closer, but Will could feel his eyes burning in the back of his skull.

Will took a deep breath and turned around to face Hannibal for the first time in over a month. His voice sounded rough because he had hardly spoken a word in the time he’d been here. He was no longer used to stringing words together to form complete sentences. 

“That’s okay. I imagine Chiyoh has kept you updated on my recovery. She has taken good care of me these past few weeks. I had imagined she would just leave me out to die after what happened.”

A small smile played on Hannibal’s lips as he listened, making Will even tenser than he already was. He didn’t know what was going to happen now. Was Hannibal going to end up killing him? That didn’t seem right after he’d gone to such lengths to save him while he just as well could have let him drown in the Atlantic. He wondered what game was going on now, and how he could learn the rules so he could try and best his opponent once again, but Hannibal didn’t seem to be plotting anything right now. He didn’t even seem particularly interested in Will’s possible ramblings. He just made his way over to the railing and positioned himself right next to him. Will looked at the man at his side and started feeling uncomfortable, much like the first time they’d met. The gentle smile on Hannibal’s face reminded him too much of that fateful day. Will decided to lash out before giving Hannibal the chance to do so. 

“Dr Lecter… Hannibal, let’s just have it out. You know I have to take you in as soon as we get on land. I can’t let you walk around anymore.” His words sounded weak to his own ears, he no longer believed himself capable of bringing this serial killer to justice. His eyes cast down and his shoulders hunched, his whole posture screamed out he was defeated. He had lost the final game when he’d pulled Hannibal over the cliff and they came out alive. Their death would have meant his victory, but now there was nothing left to compete for. They no longer were a zero-sum game, it was finally over. He was completely at Hannibal’s mercy here, and he knew it. 

Will squirmed under Hannibal’s scrutiny, averting his eyes every time he tried to make eye contact. He wished he would just speak and get it all over with. Part of him wanted to throw a punch and see where it got him, but it was the other part of him that worried him. That was the part that he had been buried under tonnes of denial for over four years now, the one that was irrevocably attracted to Hannibal’s mind as well as his physique. His body had reacted strongly to the doctor’s closeness ever since they had started their conversations, but at the beginning, he hadn’t given it much thought. Starved of human touch as he had been back then, he had figured he would react this way to anyone getting physically close to him so he hadn’t even considered he might be actually attracted to him, or men in general. It hadn’t been until he was trying to lure Hannibal into committing a murder that he had realized his feelings were genuine. Even though he abhorred the Chesapeake Ripper, he couldn’t help but getting drawn closer to him, to the real man behind the benevolent but mysterious psychiatrist’s mask. 

He had wanted to let him get away, but he hadn’t been able to muster up the courage to go with him and it had ended up with Abigail’s death and his almost disembowelment. He still couldn’t think of what had happened in Florence. He had gone with the intention of either killing Hannibal or running away with him, but the decision had been taken from him when Chiyoh had shot him and Hannibal had tried to eat his brain. 

He had honestly thought he was done with all of it when Hannibal had turned himself in, but seeing him again after three years proved that he had only lied to himself. The instant he had seen and smelled the other man, the attraction that had been dormant since his arrest had come back with a vengeance. Molly may have been what he needed back then, when she found him only a month after the trial, alone and drunk on a beach in Florida, where she’d been on a holiday with her son, but what he wanted in his heart of hearts was Hannibal. He craved the other man’s easy acceptance, his appreciation of all his inner darkness. He had thought he’d finally found happiness and normalcy, like he had always wanted. And he did have it, for a while, and then he’d thrown it away to chase a killer and work with another one. No matter how much he tried to argue it was Molly who had convinced him to help find him, he knew deep down inside he had been waiting for this opportunity for over a year, he only needed an excuse, and Jack had provided just that. 

Hannibal seemed to sense his unease because he unexpectedly backed off and turned away. His face back to impassive, he turned his head back and addressed Will in a solemn voice. His words sounded final and made Will tremble with fear.

“You are free to leave as you wish, Will, I will not be not keeping you prisoner. If you leave, however, all of our ties will be officially cut. I will not let myself be imprisoned once more and I will no longer remain where you can find me. I will disappear from your life, as you have asked me to do so before. Chiyoh will provide you with the necessary items to make your way back to the US, including a small boat and provisions for at least two weeks. If necessary, she can give you a fake identity so you can start a new life, away from Jack and the FBI. You can think this over, I will expect a reply in the morning.” 

Hannibal turned his back on Will and went back inside without giving him the chance to react.

Will’s breathing turned harsh as he repeated Hannibal’s words over and over again in his mind. Did he really want to leave it all behind? No more Jack, no more Molly asking painful questions? It would just be him and probably some dogs in the future. Tempting though the idea was, he couldn’t ignore the sharp pain the thought of being separated from Hannibal a second time caused. 

He knew he wouldn’t be able to find him this time. When he’d left for Florence he had left enough bread crumbs for Will to track him down with a bit of effort. Will had no doubt he was capable of disappearing completely. His lungs constricted as he imagined his life without the presence of the serial killer, without being able to contact him when he needed to hear his voice or see his face. If he was truly honest with himself, the thought that Hannibal had only been a phone call away for the last three years had been comforting in a way he hadn’t allowed himself to think about until now. He knew he didn’t want the other man to leave him behind, but he couldn’t let him go on killing innocents for not using the right fork at dinner either. 

He swallowed and looked out over the ocean, but no longer enjoying the breeze in his hair. A single tear made its way down as he contemplated his options. He felt trapped between the man he wanted to be and the man he had turned out to be. This becoming Hannibal had often mentioned during their conversations didn’t sound as bad as it once did. He had enjoyed taking out the Red Dragon more than anything he had done over the last three years with his family. The feeling he had finally let go of everything that had ever held him back had been liberating and overwhelming. The only times he had ever felt so free of himself had been when he had shared either food or secrets with Hannibal. He wanted to embrace that part of himself more than he had ever wanted to be a decent and socially acceptable husband and father. Taking a deep breath, he pushed himself back from the railing and made his way downstairs, where Hannibal was surely waiting for him.

His hands shook as he knocked on the solid wood door for the second time since his arrival on the boat. Fully expecting to be met with silence, he steeled himself for the feeling of rejection that would surely follow, but after only a few seconds Hannibal opened the door, surprise visible on his face. 

“Hello Will, I hadn’t expected you here so soon. Come in.” he said, stepping away from the door to allow the other man to enter the room without brushing their bodies together. 

Will looked around the place, discovering it was even smaller than the cabin he’d been staying in. The bottles of medication on the nightstand, neatly packed bandages next to them, they all suggested Hannibal’s recovery had been just as hard as his own had been. The bed was made up and a book had been thrown carelessly on top of the duvet. There was a small table with one chair in the corner of the cabin that looked like it had been used regularly. The wardrobe door was closed, but Will suspected Hannibal’s clothes were in there, just like his had been in his own cabin. 

“How long ago did you have this boat prepared?” Will asked, knowing the answer would probably be something he didn’t want to hear. 

“When I was under the assumption we would run away together. I was going to show you and Abigail Florence and Paris and the whole of Europe. I had prepared everything back then, all you had to do was say yes.” Hannibal replied, his eyes dark and his mouth drawn in a thin line. A hint of reproach was clear in both his voice and the look in his eyes, but the pain in them was overwhelming. 

Will could feel Hannibal’s pain as much as his own when he allowed himself to think back about that night, when he had turned down Hannibal’s offer to just run away with him. He could feel the pang of regret he had caused Hannibal back then, and he felt the same as they both remembered that night. If he tried real hard, he could still taste the lamb they had eaten. A sacrificial lamb indeed… He still remembered every detail of that dinner, their conversation, the longing looks they had shared… If only he’d had the courage to run away with him back then, none of this would have happened later on. He took a deep breath and forced himself to look straight into Hannibal’s eyes.

“If I could undo my decision I made that night, I would.” he whispered, “My so-called morality has cost Abigail her life and it didn’t make me happier in the end either. I am so sorry, for everything.”

“I killed Abigail, I wanted to punish you, but it was my decision, Will. Both of our actions brought us where we were that night. You are not solely to blame for her death.” Hannibal said with conviction, but Will couldn’t believe him.

“I guess there is no more chance for that particular teacup to gather itself together again.” Will said, taking a step closer to Hannibal. He could feel a physical attraction build in his core. He wanted, no, he needed to feel the other man’s touch again, even if it ended up killing him. If Hannibal’s hand in his hair was the final thing he felt in this life, he was perfectly happy to die. He closed the remaining distance between the two of them, ending up with their toes touching. Will felt Hannibal’s hot and shaky breath on his skin.

“Hannibal… I… I forgive you for all that has happened, for Abigail, for what happened in Florence. I forgive you.” he breathed, drawing the man in to embrace him.   
His right hand found its way to the back of Hannibal’s head, gently carding through the damp strands of hair, while his left hand searched for Hannibal’s waist to pull them closer together. As his clean shaven cheek touched Hannibal’s bearded face Will let out a surprised sound followed by a giggle. When he felt Hannibal start to pull back he stopped him with a gentle touch to his back. His eyes communicated the feelings he could not yet express in words. He sought and found permission to both touch and explore in those expressive golden eyes that had haunted both his daydreams and nightmares for so long. Bringing down his left hand to gently touch Hannibal’s cheek, he closed his eyes and moved his head slowly forwards, giving Hannibal time to reconsider if he wanted to. He felt the doctor tremble under his touch and tightened the hold he had on his waist as he sealed their lips together in a tentative first kiss. Hannibal tasted of sea salt and diluted wine and underneath there was a scent that was purely Hannibal, and impossible to describe. Will felt himself getting addicted to the touch of his luscious lips against his and to the feel of that tongue licking his lips and demanding entrance. He moaned as he opened his mouth further, letting Hannibal claim him with his tongue and lips. He gave as good as he got, he clawed at Hannibal’s back, trying to pull them even closer together while his kissed him back with all he had in him. 

Will held and kissed Hannibal for what felt like hours before he gently untangled himself from their embrace. With a tender peck to Hannibal’s lips, he broke the kiss, but not the spell. He leaned his forehead against Hannibal’s and looked straight into his glistening eyes.

“I don’t want to get away from you anymore. I don’t want you anywhere but where I can find you,” he breathed, nuzzling Hannibal’s cheek tenderly “but what I really want is to get away with you. I don’t care if we spend the next five years on this boat or in a European city. I want us to leave together, like we were meant to.” He could feel the other man’s tension leave his body as he continued kissing his cheek and jawline. Hannibal became soft and pliant in his arms, like a large cat who finally learns the joys of being petted. Will smiled, that soft and genuine smile that didn’t show itself often except when he put his eyes on the man who was now in his arms. His eyes looked for Hannibal’s, trying to decipher what was on his mind, but his gaze gave nothing away. 

Will brought his hand up to Hannibal’s face and caressed his jaw, slowly making his way down his neck. He enjoyed the purr-like sounds this elicited from him more than the actual touching. Bedelia had told him in not so many words what effect his existence had on Hannibal, but he wanted to hear it from the man himself before he could take this further. 

“Hannibal? Are you in love with me?”, he asked in a hushed voice, taking a small step back so he could look him in the eye. 

“Yes.”

Will’s heart skipped a beat at the simple confession. Hearing the confirmation of what he had so clearly seen and felt the moment they’d taken out the Dragon made his breath hitch. He flung himself back into Hannibal’s arms and caught his mouth in a passionate kiss. 

He felt himself being maneuvered to the small bed in the middle of the cabin. When the back of his legs touched the edge of the bed, he lay down, pulling Hannibal with him, never letting go of the physical connection between them. He spread his legs to accommodate the other man on top of him, feeling his erection through his pants. All of a sudden he felt the need to be physically closer, to destroy all barriers between them, and he started tearing at Hannibal’s shirt, ripping the buttons off in a swift move. As he bared his chest, he let his hands roam over the broad surface, gently tugging at the abundance of grey hairs he found there. His mouth latched on to Hannibal’s neck, licking and kissing the soft skin he found there. All the while Hannibal’s hands hadn’t let go of him either, cupping his ass and running along his back and his legs, baring every bit of skin they could. Will arched into their closeness, causing their erect cocks to slide together in a tantalizing touch. He knew he wouldn’t last long. The feelings he had been pushing down for years all came to the surface when they had finally touched each other. Will felt lust and love flare up equally when Hannibal reached down and took their cocks in his hand, stroking them at a leisurely pace. 

“H-ha-hannibal… I won’t last… please…,” he begged as the older man sped up his strokes. His breathing turning harsh, he felt his orgasm build up at his most inner core. He grasped Hannibal’s shoulders and pulled him as close as possible, chests and legs touching, before devouring his mouth in another kiss. He didn’t stop kissing him as he felt himself come harder than he had in years. Sagging back in Hannibal’s arms, he looked up with a dopey smile as he sensed his release wetting his stomach. He caught Hannibal on top of him, placing gentle kisses on the side of his face and in his hair. If he felt tears behind his closed eyelids, he wouldn’t admit to it later. And if he sensed Hannibal shaking against his throat, he would deny it for eternity. 

The two men lay together on the small cot, wrapped up in each other both physically and mentally. The motions of their boat sent them both off in a deep and dreamless sleep, each being comforted by the other’s closeness. 

When the night gave way to the morning sun, Will woke up in Hannibal’s arms and smiled. After all the trials they’d gone through, he finally felt like he was where he belonged.


End file.
